All In Musings: Parenting Queer Children Through Anti-LGBTQ+ Legislation and Culture-Wars

In 2022, in the United States, over 300 Anti-LGBTQ+ bills were drafted. In 2023, in addition to an increase in the number of Bills being drafted, a shocking number have already passed through into laws which specifically target the rights and protections surrounding LGBTQ+ youth and transgender individuals. But it’s not just the US. The UK Prime Minister was recently caught on video mocking transgender women and even the People’s Party of Canada (PPC) presented a seven-point plan for the radical and draconian restriction of trans rights.

In many parts of the US, Bills have even been proposed which would make it possible for parents to be charged with criminal child-abuse should they seek gender-affirming care for trans- and non-binary children. But how are these laws affecting the parents of queer children? Join us as we chat with a few of these parents from across Havas and they share their experiences and thoughts.

Please note, due to concerns surrounding the safety and protection of his daughter, Mark has chosen not to include his full name or title.

Necko Fanning, NA director of DEIB, Havas Group (NF)> Thank you all so much for volunteering to chat about your experiences. I imagine our current political climate poses a lot of challenges in parenting queer children that aren’t often talked about.

Myra Nussbaum, president and chief creative officer, Havas Chicago (MN)> Sign me up! Always happy to talk about supporting this community.

NF> Thanks, Myra! Angelo, I’d like to start with you. Given everything we see in media and our geopolitical climate, how do you prepare your child for going out into the world knowing they may encounter resistances and bigotry because of their identity?

Angelo Kritikos, chief financial officers, Havas Chicago (AK)> My wife and I have three children in their 20s - twin boys (one of whom is gay) - and a girl. As they entered their teenage years, we quickly realised we can’t control everything our children see or experience as they live their lives, especially once they move out and begin living their lives away from our direct influence. 

My focus as a father has always been on instilling confidence and emphasising that their actions matter and have influence. Even today my wife and I try to remind our kids that hard work, good decision-making, relationship-building, and acting with kindness are all very important. Our hope is that when our son, who identifies as gay (and all our children for that matter), encounters negativity and bigotry, he’ll have the confidence, stability, and support to know that his identity isn’t the actual issue. Already we see him living a life full of confidence and a strong-will.

Ultimately, being a support system for our son and ensuring he knows that we’re here to support him unconditionally through a time that’s trying for him, in ways that neither my wife nor I can imagine, is all that we - or really any parent - can do.

NF> Myra, I’m sure you can relate to that. Your child is getting ready to go to college soon. As the mother of a gay son what are some of your fears with him going off to school given the current climate?

MN> Growing up with a gay brother who was unable to live his full truth in our small, Missouri hometown, I’m very thankful to be raising a gay son in a city as liberal and accepting as Chicago. As we look at colleges for Owen, we made a color-coded list that ranked schools academically, but also took into consideration state politics and acceptance of LGBTQ+ communities.

We used the sites CollegeVine.com, Move.org, and Fivethirtyeight.com. Some of the top-rated schools quickly fell off the list because we don’t feel confident, he'll be in a safe place for higher learning and developing his independence. On campus tours it’s been wonderful to see the support of LGBTQ+ kids in the form of posters, flags, and murals and there have been a couple campuses that don’t show this outward Pride and they’ve fallen off the list as a result. At this point we have plenty of schools to choose from that will fulfill both his educational and life goals. And, most importantly, be a safe place for him.

NF> Mark, chatting about finding safe places to reside makes me wonder what you think about the new HRC travel advisory in the US? For the first time in its history, they’re advising LGBTQ+, and particularly trans folks, on which states to avoid traveling to or through. What’s your reaction to this as a parent of a trans child?

Mark X, Havas Canada (MX)> Well, to be frank, I think it’s appalling that it’s come to this. We simply will not travel to those places. Leaders need to exemplify embracing and celebrating difference rather than using intense, selective intolerance to gain support. They are basically saying that certain people are not welcome. It’s beyond shameful.

NF> I think a lot of people would agree. As the father of a transgender child looking across the political landscape in the US must be difficult, if not gut-wrenching, at times. What kind of things do you have to do as a parent of a trans child to educate and protect your child that parents of cisgender and heterosexual children might not know about?

MX> We live in Toronto, Canada and I am grateful that the city and country we live in supports trans youth. But that does not mean we are immune to what’s happening in regions where intolerance has become more prominent. There are national political parties here that are actively targeting trans rights and care for trans kids, I think in a large part taking a cue from the intolerant parts of the US political landscape.

My daughter is older now, but she is still very wary of discrimination and aggression whenever she goes out in the world. The sad thing is that no matter how accepting a society is in general, there are always elements within it that are close-minded and bigoted., even here in Toronto. One of the more difficult things is to protect against news and social media. There are no borders online and the hate can be hard to avoid and hard to absorb.

NF> Angelo, we’ve chatted about bit about your philosophy of parenting. What’s something you’ve learned as the parent of a gay son that you wish you could pass along to other parents whose children may be coming out to them for the first time?

AK> As anyone with children knows, life is a roller coaster with many twists, turns, and loops, with a wide range of emotions. We’ve always tried to go with the flow and enjoy as much of it as we can.

My wife and I are believers in creating safe spaces for our kids to come to us, no matter the topic, without judgement. We haven’t always been perfect at this, but it’s been important to have open lines of communication. We really attribute creating these judgement free spaces to how our son to came out, on his terms, and didn’t feel forced or emotionally unprepared. 

If I’m being honest, I actually wish he’d come out sooner. When he finally did make the decision to come out, he told my wife and a few of his closer friends and sort of put it on them to tell the rest of us. At first, I remember feeling disappointed and a little hurt that he hadn’t told me directly. I wondered why he hadn’t said something sooner. I worried there might have been something his twin brother, sister or I had done that made him uncomfortable telling us. Thankfully, we all quickly realised this was his coming out story, not ours. This was how he’d wanted us to know, and it wasn’t about us or our feelings. We just needed to support him.

I remember seeing him for the first time after I found out, giving him a hug and saying, “I love you and support you always, no matter what”. It’s been full steam ahead ever since and we’re as close as ever.

The point is, as parents, creating an open and safe space where open lines of communication are encouraged for all your children is very important. And when the time is right for your child to come out, however they decide to do it, be there to accept and support them.

NF> We’ve all chatted a bit about your experiences as parents of queer children. But I’m curious what happens when you encounter parents who are Anti-LGBTQ+? Myra, what do you wish you could say to parents who think LGBTQ+ identifying children or activities like Drag Story Hour somehow put their children at risk?

MN> Fortunately, I don’t interact with many people that are anti-LGBTQ+. When I do encounter people that struggle to get non-binary pronouns, I always try to demonstrate by example that it’s actually not so difficult. I usually push for them to get on board, so they don’t offend others that are trying to be their authentic selves. Shouldn’t we want authenticity for everyone?

If I ever run into someone that has issues with drag culture (or Pride clothing at Target) I simply ask why they feel they need to control other people’s lives and encroach on their American freedoms? I think asking questions of close-minded people is the best way to confront bigotry and, hopefully, demonstrate another way of thinking. This isn’t a debate that can be won by continuing to distance ourselves from each other, we need to move to a place of understanding. My son, Owen, is a staunch supporter of the trans community and tells me that bias and prejudice are rampant even at his very liberal school. We clearly have a long way to go. For everyone’s sake I hope we can find that middle ground before the United States becomes even more divided. In the long run, it’s the LGBTQ+ community, and our LGBTQ+ children especially, who will be the ones to suffer in the process.

NF> I couldn’t agree more. Thank you all so much for taking time out of your day to chat with me. As a former queer kid, I just want to say “thank you” for being such champions of your children. No matter how rough things seem, just the fact that we have such outspoken supporters for the LGBTQ+ community is encouraging.

MX> Any time!

For parents seeking support and answers, we recommend reaching out to organisations like GLAAD, The Trevor Project, and the Ali Forney Centre for additional resources.