This year, let’s make a resolution to do something good for humanity. Yes. Let’s kill off some of the most annoying ad clichés used in way too many of our TV spots. Here are eight clichés that need to be cut in 2016:
1. Adorable Messes.
Moms and dads, be real. ‘Cute’ is not the word you’d use to describe your rugrat spilling chocolate milk everywhere. No paper towel or sponge will ever make that nonsense adorable. This cliché includes TV families who let their kids cook meals with them. Why are you smiling weirdly young dad? You’re going to have to clean that shit up later.
2. Screaming Goats.
Straight from the land of memes and made into several lame ads. Every time we see a goat on screen these days, we don’t even hear it scream anymore. The only sound left is the clacking of a keyboard as an unremarkable creative desperately Googles “how do you funny?”
3. Dying Over Diamonds.
Why do women in TV spots act like stroke victims when receiving jewellery from a man? It’s like the tennis bracelet suddenly causes violent diarrhoea. And it’s always accompanied by a gross lip quiver signalling all of her life problems have been somehow solved by an ugly pendant.
4. Your Dumb Friend.
You’ve seen this a hundred times this year. Friend 1 is just a gosh-darned doofus about [insert technology]. The stylish and suave Friend 2 is like “this is how it works, no big deal you idiot who I am friends with.” Isn’t it hilarious how bumfuzzled Friend 1 is?! Also, frumpy. Friend 1 is always frumpy.
5. Old-Fashioned Kid Names.
In this day and age, how many children are actually named Henry? Is this trend like an advertising hipster thing? A ‘vintage’ name to make you forget that you’re making an ad about laundry detergent? Are you an artist now? Did you prove your parents wrong yet?
6. Chocolate Orgasm.
She unwraps a truffle and melts into her sofa, the sound of daytime soap operas fading into a cocoa-infused fantasy. Because all women love chocolate, and they just want a little indulgence! Who needs reproductive rights, healthcare, or equal pay when you’ve got chocolate bliss?
7. Eccentric Old Celebrity Guy Being Eccentric.
Forgot how to concept and want to get laid? You’re in luck! Your screw-worthy spot practically writes itself when you hire a male celeb who is best known for acting crazy! Just put the guy in a room with your product and hit record. You’ll be impressing people at bars with your star-studded portfolio in no time.
8. Cute Dogs.
Stop it with the puppies. No more furry, pudgy little babies with wet noses. D’AWWWW. Nevermind, everyone. This one’s totally acceptable. Please keep using puppies because they have such cute little faces and their snuffles are so snuffly. Hey Cannes! Could you maybe change the lion to a puppy? Thanks.
Amit Gurnani is a copywriter at Publicis Seattle